what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
