the condom got lost in my hair
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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