i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
