MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
