I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
