My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
