A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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