he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
