we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
