At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
