96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
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