You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
