I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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