i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
where does the pee come out of this thing
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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