Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
