Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
