I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Randomize
