i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
