just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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