Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
zippers are such a cool invention
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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