Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
