i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
