Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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