Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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