I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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