Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
