Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Randomize
