Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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