On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
