paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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