1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
So many bounce houses so little time
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
