My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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