I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
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I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
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threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?