You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
