i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.