I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
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So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
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Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems