When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
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my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.