Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
