This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
