The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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