I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
