You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
