I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
