Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
