im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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