Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
