i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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