apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
