Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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