We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
