Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
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I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
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You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator