he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.