Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My ATM looks so different sober.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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