he thought i was a dude.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
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Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment