this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
