i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
