i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
