Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
