hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
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You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I need a burrito and a hug.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
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They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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