Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
