he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
