I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Randomize
