I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
